Yesterday April 3, 2013

Yesterday I had a dentist appointment. I will admit it would have been the first one since a long, long time.

Yesterday, I didn’t go to the dentist.

I guess I kind of did, but I never saw anyone there past the receptionist.

I made it out of the car, and then got back in. I made it to the sidewalk, and then back to the car. I made it to the door, and back to the car. I made it inside, and then I had to leave. I had to leave, and fast, couldn’t even be in the parking lot anymore.

This isn’t particularly new, this fear of the dentists. Commercials involving dentists make me sick to my stomach, I dislike toothpaste and mouthwash ads. If there is mention of a dentist on a TV show or movie, I just don’t watch anymore. I just didn’t realize how bad it was.

Today I have the anxiety hangover. I’m exhausted and kind of irritable. Mostly, I feel small. Small and defeated. Anxiety wins again.

I’ve been denying it for a long time, that this is a problem. The anxiety isn’t a big deal! It doesn’t affect my daily life. Except, it does. It does a lot.

Today, I made an appointment to talk to someone. Next Tuesday at 3 (my dentist appointment was a Tuesday at 3, I’m trying not to make that into something in my mind).  It’s time to get past this.

Happy Birthday! March 11, 2013

We’ve been here before, a couple of times now. Another first in our house-a first birthday.

 

Oh, Hazel. My bubs. You’re fast as lightening and can move from one end of the house to the other in the blink of an eye. You don’t walk yet, even though you took a couple of steps the other day. I suspect you realize that, right now, crawling will get you there faster.

 

Lately you’ve been developing opinions, and you put up a fight every single time I try to put you in your high chair, even when I know you are hungry. Then once you accept your fate, you crane your neck to see what it is I am bringing you. Incidentally, you eat everything, although you seem to have a very particular fondness of cheese, and you’re rather tired of Cheerios and those end up on the floor.

 

You would let me throw you up into the air over and over. You adore playing with your sisters, especially Adeline. You love your dada, and that was your first word, “dada”. You’ve trained Ranger how to gently take food from your hands, because she learned if she makes you cry by being too rough, she gets shooed away. You still get disciplined by the cats on a regular basis, and I wonder if you will ever learn.

 

In just the last couple of days, you’ve started making the greatest facial expressions, and you answer questions with an enthusiastic nod.

 

I love you to the moon sweet girl. Happy birthday!

 

 

 

Crushed January 18, 2013

Last night when I went to pick up Adeline to carry her to bed, I threw out my back.  Two days ago our toilet flooded and ruined our floor-an issue that still isn’t resolved. Today I had to sign for a certified letter about a matter I thought I had resolved months ago (an hour on the phone this afternoon FINALLY cleared it up once and for all-the whole process took nearly a year).

There are dishes-clean and dirty-in my sink. I didn’t get all of the trash out before the garbage truck came. Most of the laundry is in piles around my kitchen. I yelled today, a lot.

I feel like I’m being crushed. The walls of this house are closing in on me right now. I cannot get a single minute to myself-someone always needs something. Lucy goes to bed, Adeline and Hazel are still up. Get Hazel to bed, Adeline is still up. Adeline usually puts up a fight about going to bed. Finally get her to bed, the dogs and cats need me. Or there’s chores, or or or. I can’t walk through the house without someone clinging to me, pulling on me, tugging, holding me back. By the end of the day, once everyone else is taken care of, fed and tucked in, I am exhausted, and the most I can do is sit an stare at the computer or the television. Every day I think longingly of the projects I want to work on-the knitting that was supposed to be my mom’s Christmas gift, the sewing project I have for the kids room, and every day they gather more dust. I promise myself I’ll spend some time in the afternoon working on my own projects, but by the time I get all of the household stuff handled, there’s usually just not enough time.

I feel really bad for getting in these slumps. I know it is a slump, they come and go, and this will pass too. But I’m so lucky and I live such a charmed life, and how dare I complain? We are comfortable financially, I get to stay home with the kids without us having to sacrifice or scrimp. Jake is generous with his time and his main focus is always his family whether it comes to him working hard to support us or him giving all of his free time to us without complaint. And yet here I sit, feeling miserable and sorry for myself, wishing I could have a break, a change, something.

 

Tomorrow is another day. We’ll be okay.

Disasters and Failures January 16, 2013

Lucy was supposed to be in time out. I can’t remember for what, not listening about something or other. I was sitting at the table helping Adeline with some tanagrams, and Jake had the baby.

 

Lucy was supposed to be in time out, but she wasn’t.  She was in the bathroom attempting to flush a half a roll of Quilted Northern. In case you were curious, our plumbing can’t accommodate a half a roll of toilet paper, and the toilet was over flowing. I’m not sure why it took Lucy so very long to get upset about the fact that water was pouring over the side of the toilet, but by the time she started crying, it was out of the bathroom and into the hallway and both of the kids’ bedrooms-deep water, waves of it. The handle to turn off the water to the toilet wouldn’t turn, and luckily Jake can think on his feet and he used the plunger handle to wedge some part inside of the tank up so the water stopped flowing.

 

Our flooring, the floor that we paid for and Jake laid, is ruined. We ripped a good bit of it out tonight to try to prevent mold, and we’ll get the rest tomorrow.  I’m calling the landlord to see if by some great measure of generosity they will be willing to replace some of our floor, and if not, we’ll be making a trip to the Home Depot in town-and by “we” I mean me and the kids, because I know so very much about choosing flooring. And this means Jake will spend his one day off over the next week replacing the floor rather than enjoying a day off.

 

I know she had no idea what the consequences of her actions would be. I also know that earlier this afternoon, after I found her having unrolled almost an entire roll of toilet paper, we discussed how you only use a little bit. I know that I shouldn’t be, but I’m angry with her. This kid, man. She’s so incredible, she’s so awesome, but oh, she’s so frustrating. Every day it feels like I get to the end of my rope with her. I just…I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I pretend I don’t see her doing things she’s not supposed to do because seriously? She’d spend nearly all day in time out.  I don’t know what other consequences to offer, either. We aren’t a spanking family, so other than time out, what else is there? I’m so worried that the issues we are having are because I am not stimulating her enough. This doesn’t feel like a typical case of the terrible twos, this feels like more, but I don’t know what it is or what to do about it. And I’m so afraid this is all starting to wear away at our relationship. I’m trying so hard to be very careful, but after disciplining someone eighty times for something, it is hard to keep your cool on the 81st, you know? My tone, my choice of words, start to deteriorate after a while, and I’m so worried that it is getting to the point that it might be doing actual harm because it is making her feel bad beyond just the getting in trouble for something feeling bad.  I don’t know. She’s wearing me out, that’s for sure, and I hope that either I get better at all of this or she moves on to a new phase.

 

 

 

 

January 12, 2013

I was dreading this week’s grocery trip after last week’s nightmare, but things went really well today! I made extra sure to make a huge deal about how awesome they were and how proud I was.

 

What didn’t go so well was staying on budget. I guess I’m just going to have to increase the grocery budget. I’m not entirely sure what I was trying to work with before is even do-able for a non-couponing family of five, so I’m going to up it by $100 a month to see if I can stick to it. (We are so very lucky that going over budget only means that I have to make a cell on my spreadsheet red rather than green for the pay period, and it doesn’t mean that we have to give something up or not put gas in the car or something.)

 

I’m hoping this is going to be  The Week when everything falls into place and we can really nail down a good routine. We did pretty well this week with our projects and purposeful activities. I still need to spend some more time doing Things and less time putzing around on the internet. There’s apparently some sort of app or something that blocks Facebook and I’m planning on checking into that. I have a pile of sewing projects to get done, as well as a big project on the knitting needles that MUST get finished (ah, it might actually be my mom’s Christmas present).  Once again I find myself full of ambition and not full of time or energy. So frustrating.

 

 

 

 

Shaken January 4, 2013

Being a mom has given me the most confidence that I have ever had. It was like this is what I was meant to be. It fits me, perfectly. I am a better mom than I am anything else, which is awesome, but it is also not awesome.

 

Today the girls and I headed to the store to do our regular shopping, just like we do every single other week. I’m not entirely sure what happened, but shortly after we got there, things started falling apart. The floral department lady gave the big girls balloons, which I hate because they are annoying. I rolled with it though, and we were doing okay. Then Hazel wouldn’t sit right in the Moby and I was getting nervous she would wiggle herself out, so I pulled Lucy out of the cart and put the baby in. That was going slightly okay, until Adeline wouldn’t walk on her designated side of the basket and Lucy kept hitting Adeline with her balloon. I confiscated the offending balloon, but then Hazel started to fuss. Adeline STILL wouldn’t walk holding the basket and twice I almost left her behind. At that point I called Jake to see if he would come swap cars with me and take the big kids home, but I caught him mid-shower, so no dice. We made it maybe one more aisle, and I gave up. We went to check out with what groceries we had, and Adeline totally melted down. I told her she couldn’t have a treat she had chosen since their behavior was making us leave early, and she totally flipped out. Like kicking, screaming, flailing freaking out. It was a sight to see, that’s for sure. And it was loud enough that the lady from the meat department at the back of the store headed over with a bag of dum-dums in hand. I was really grateful for the cashier who was checking us out at record speed, and I was honestly pretty grateful for the meat department lady-until I heard what the other cashiers were saying. “You’re SO GOOD with the kids!” Um. Yeah. I could have been “so good” with Adeline too had I offered her candy, which I would not do-I do not bribe for good behavior. It was very helpful for that lady to come over and help, she got Adeline distracted enough so that I could get the bagged groceries into the cart and pay. She was so kind, and really did go above and beyond, but it was because she was armed with candy, not because she has some sort of magical kid-whispering abilities.

 

The whole experience shook me though. How can I not manage a simple trip to the grocery store? We travel all over this state, just me and the kids and sometimes with a couple of dogs thrown in too. But this stupid trip to the store has totally stolen my confidence. I feel kind of stunned, even now more than two hours after we made it back home.  It’s crazy how much power these little people have over us.

The Beginning December 31, 2012

I love new years. It feels so hopeful, all of the things that can come over the next twelve months. I love resolutions and making them, though I’ll admit I’m not so great at keeping them. Luckily I don’t feel much guilt when they fall by the wayside.

 

My resolution list for 2013 is pretty hefty. I have hobby goals, household goals, financial goals and personal goals. I want to see if I can start an Etsy shop this summer, get our house together in an actually decorated sense,  build up some really significant savings as well as making some larger purchases of things that we’ve been wanting, and get myself a little more put together. I want to get both of the big kids involved in activities and really buckle down with homeschooling. I want to learn more about photography and postprocessing.

 

It just feels so exciting. I love new beginnings.