There are chocolate chip cookies in the oven right now. I make big batches of dough and freeze it so I can have cookies at a moment’s notice. (Well, an oven-preheat then 12 minutes notice.) It’s not as healthy as, say, a walk, but it’s coping. And today, desperate times and such.
It wasn’t a good day today. Monday was good, yesterday was okay. Today, just bad. I’m tired of bad days. There were a lot of them in a row just recently, and then the fog lifted. It is so discouraging to only have one or two days that are decent and then falling off the edge again.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to put into words what it means to have these days, what it feels like. Because on the surface, if you just glanced? Everything looks fine. I’m up, out of bed. I’m making the kids meals and except on the very worst of bad days, keeping up with the housework. But if you look a little deeper, I think it would be really obvious.
My poor dog hasn’t been walked in months. She deserves so much more, too, and I just don’t have the energy at the end of the days when Jake is home to watch the kids. I just can’t force myself out the door. Which is funny, because how good for me would that be, getting out and exercising?
There are so many things that I really love doing-cooking, baking, sewing, knitting. I haven’t touched a sewing machine in months. I miss it, but I don’t care enough to do it right now. I have been knitting regularly, so that’s nice. I baked for the first time in forever on Saturday (hence the available chocolate cookie dough). That was nice. I’ve been trying to cook, but let’s see…I made a batch of yogurt and forgot it, so had to throw it away. Today I made a batch of red sauce and burned it. There was something else that got ruined, but I can’t remember now.
That’s the other fun thing, not remembering things. Birthdays, appointments, food being prepared, things I need from the store, to return phone calls or emails…It is like I am constantly half-present in my own life.
Being touched makes me crazy. This is one of the worst ones, because I can’t make the kids feel rejected so I have to allow for some contact. Most of the time I can gracefully dodge it, but between the pets and the kids, it is like a never-ending barrage of physical contact.
It’s just all very exhausting. I can function on a day-to-day basis, but having to force yourself through every single motion every single day is so tiring. But then at the end of the day? I can’t sleep. Honestly? I think I’m pretty lucky. I have a really supportive husband who cares and is really aware of what’s going on. I can function, although sometimes I have to make myself, but I can do it. Things could be way worse than they are, but I am so ready to just be better for a long time.